Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
