Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Randomize
