you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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