cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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