This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
