I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize