Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
