my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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