found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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