1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
