I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
