Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
