I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
