got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
