So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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