All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Randomize
