It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
