I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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