he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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