She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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