I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
