took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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