I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize