I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
