I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
