Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize