i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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