I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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