I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
