Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
