I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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