Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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