I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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