woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
