Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
