I'm drive I can fine osifer
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
last night I used snow as a chaser
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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