i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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