yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
