Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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