She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
