and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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