She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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