I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
