Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
