just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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