im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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