a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
