I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
A+ Viking dick
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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