i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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