apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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