I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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