And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
