Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
