look no pants
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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