I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
