piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
