Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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