I accidentally had phone sex last night
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
