I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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