someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize