Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i think i have two assholes
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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