we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
