Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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