hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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